The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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