If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
