See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
