It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
