I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
