i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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