So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize