She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
