I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
