I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
