either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
tell me about the eggs
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize