I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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