Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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