it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize