woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You are the jesus of drinking
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize