I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
