Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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