sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
