I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize