Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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