I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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