I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
