Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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