I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
