i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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