my mouth tastes like poor choices
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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