my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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