Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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