so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
