You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
