Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
