On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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