I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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