Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
