she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
