dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
