I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
