Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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