I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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