What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
They have beer where we have blood.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize