I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
