Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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