He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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