shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
