I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
