This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
