I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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