I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
