3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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