take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
