I accidentally had phone sex last night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
