tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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