Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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