life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
