Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
