those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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