did you get engaged???
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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