I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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