I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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