whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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