I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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