I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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