My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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