What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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