So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
