She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
