My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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