At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize